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STORYLINES - SAT Episode 224

Friday, August 22, 2014

TNA IMPACT RECAP by Captain Awesome (@TheAwesomeVoice)

TNA Impact Wrestling made it's bizarrely unannounced move to Wednesday nights. Thankfully they showed a graphic on last week's episode or else I would have thought it was still on Thursday nights. Will this help their perceived dissolving existence? Will they retain a television deal at all?



















HARDCORE JUSTICE! Does Bobby Lashley suffer from Bells Palsy and has just never told anyone? The guy's face NEVER MOVES! Maybe he'd make a great commentator.


Sure hope we don't have a Blue Blazer incident with Janice




















So the idea in a Stairway To Janice match is that the first wrestler to climb a ladder and retrieve Janice can then use her on his opponent. But the match is under hardcore rules and there's thumbtacks and boards covered in barbed wire laying all over the place, does Janice really do anything worth a shit?
Stairway to Janice might be the stupidest name for a match ever imagined. What about a Janice on a pole match? Well okay, maybe that doesn't sound a whole lot better.




















Bram hits Abyss with the ol' Nashville Nutcrusher and nails him with Janice to the midsection to allow for the roll-up victory.
These two have been doing these hardcore matches for the last few weeks and I'm sure the novelty will wear off soon enough but the New York crowd seems to be loving it and chanted T-N-A and THIS-IS-AWESOME a couple of times, so for now it looks like it's working.

They kind of look like TNA's version of Beavis and Butthead


EC3 says he had a moment of clarity in jail and realized that Bully Ray isn't the only one responsible for Dixie Carter going through a table...





















Once Rhino stopped looking at the pretty lights and realized that EC3 was talking about him he told him to watch his mouth or he'd kick his ass.
EC3 jumped him before he could do so and beat Rhino savagely.





















I hope this is the last we see of Rhino but I'm sure I can't be that lucky and they will build this into a match at their next You-Don't-Have-To-Pay-Per-View.

Do The STANKY LEEEGGG!!!


Samoa Joe and Low-Ki go at it in an X-Division Title Match. I'm glad they finally went back to the "No Limits" concept for the X-Division. It was one of the major draws that TNA had in the first place. Joe retains the title after nailing Low-Ki with a Muscle Buster.

The best orgasms are had when you can gaze lovingly into your lover's eyes


Sam Shaw and Ken Anderson have an I-Quit Match scheduled for later but they start fighting in the back after Shaw took offense to Anderson calling Gunner an idiot for not seeing what a creepy bastard Shaw is.



Anderson won the match but wouldn't break the hold, causing Gunner the Stunner to get all up in his shit. I guess I don't really mind this storyline, as long as they keep Shaw acting like a creepy bastard. He has one of the most intriguing characters in wrestling with potential to be involved in a variety of angles.



The alter ego of Willow and his brother Matt Hardy Vista Home Edition come out to talk about their vision for tag team wrestling. They ask for Team 3D to come out.




















Bully Ray and Flo Rida answer the call and talk about the history between these two teams and say it's obvious that both teams would like to be the TNA Tag Team Champions.

Its great to have a friend that will check you for nose hairs



















The Wolves come out and tell the Dudleys and Hardys how great they are and how wonderfully their asses smell and so on and so on. They declare that they are willing to give BOTH teams a tag title shot anywhere ANYTIME!

I can't think of a situation where I could ever feel comfortable with Mike Tenay sitting in my bed



















We now get the exclusive first interview with TNA President Dixie Carter since her broken back suffered after being put through a table by Bully Ray. She actually plays a damn good heel and says that a Carter never forgets and kicks Mike Tenay and the cameras out before yelling for Serge to come fluff her pillow.

This doesn't look racist at all...



















James Storm is playing an arguably better version of Bray Wyatt at the moment. He legitimately makes me feel uncomfortable.

Nope, still not looking racist in the slightest...



















Storm creepily tells Sanada that if he follows him and listens to him that he can turn him into the GREAT SANADA!




















I can't believe I'm typing this right now but, I am actually interested in a Sanada storyline. Yep. It even feels wrong when I read it myself.



Angelina Love and Gail Kim had a Last Knockout Standing Match for the Knockouts Championship. As you probably guessed, Velvet Sky got involved throughout the match because there's no DQ, so why not?


This was a bad ass move and looked like it legitimately hurt like hell. Velvet Sky overcame the two-on-one odds and retained the Knockouts Championship.



Coming up next, it's the Six Unshaven Sides of Steel! Seriously, I'm starting to understand what T-Mac gets upset about on the podcast. Does EVERY wrestler have to have a beard today? Is it in their contracts?



Ol' Wild-Eyed Kurt is here to tell us that not only has he booked the Wolves vs Team 3D vs The Hardys, but he's booked them in a Tag Team Title Series. The first team with two victories wins. And if you win a match, you get to pick the stipulation for the next match. The series kicks off next week!



MLK is out to talk trash and gloat about Bobby Lashley being unstoppable. Seriously, Bobby Lashley, does he have face muscles? Let's take a look at the many faces of Bobby Lashley:

Happy











Angry
Sad
Just Farted

The Six Sides of Steel Match was actually pretty decent. Normally cage matches suffer from being a little on the unbelievable side and slow, but with six guys in the cage it gave you plenty of action.

Eric Young escaped the cage and has his hand raised as the winner!

But wait! On the other side of the cage Bobby Roode escaped at seemingly the exact same time and also has HIS hand raised as the winner!

We end the show with the referees and wrestlers arguing over who the rightful winner is and we don't get an answer as the show fades out. The outcome is very important as the winner earns the number one contender spot to face Bobby Lashley for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship.

Decent cliff-hanger; it definitely makes me want to tune in next week to see how they settle this. I'm sure since it's TNA we'll have a Triple Threat Reverse Janice On A Pole Series.

I like TNA right now and this was a good week. Hope they can maintain and don't get booted off of televison. See you next week!

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