RECAP: WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW IS RIV (AUGUST 4, 2014) by Jason Rivera of

 Ugh. Five minutes until RAW.  Is anything good scheduled for tonight?  I don’t even really know.  Or care.  It’s one of those days I hate this gig.  Mainly because I’m not feeling enough of the love on my other projects these days.  I mean I just got done preparing to review the Kim Kardashian Smartphone Game for your sins.  Also I have not eaten so I am cranky.

Also, last few minutes of NCIS.  Here is Mark Harmon with a headset for no reason.  If this ends up being the best part of RAW I will be sorely disappointed, and sometimes it is.  A video package reminds us that Roman Reigns and Randy Orton are feuding (because I forgot and frankly didn’t care) followed by HHH’s intro theme.

Behold the (Tal)King.  THE King of (Tal)King!  Time for a really, really long promo.  HHH has brought his husband Stephanie, Randy Orton, Seth Rollins, and Lurch… err… Kane.  HHH puts over Summerslam in 2 weeks while making sure to remind us to buy the WWE Network for $9.99/month.  He does this each time he mentions a match on the card, in order to troll us.  He adds that Rollins and Ambrose will be fighting different opponents in the Beat the Clock challenge.   Ambrose will face Alberto Del Rio and Rollins will take on RVD.  The winner of the beat the clock challenge chooses the stipulation which means Ambrose is probably going to win this and make Rollins put his Money in the Bank briefcase on the line.  A few 9.99s later, Randy Orton gets the microphone and begins talking but someone realized that was going to bore us all to death and sent Roman Reigns out here to interrupt.

Roman is not stupid enough to get into the ring with that much Authority so he’s going to address them from the crowd.   Reigns said if “The Viper” is back that means that Roman took everything Orton’s got to toss around and is still standing.  Reigns says since HHH is talking about deals he’s got a deal for him and that he’s going to come down there and beat Orton’s ass for free.  HHH says that instead Reigns can fight Kane.  Since that match keeps happening, I don’t care.  Apparently HHH thinks making it Last Man Standing will make it matter.  I think I’d actually rather play the Kardashian game than that.  I wish Kane was doing something remotely interesting right now but being a random hair-extension-wearing bitch isn’t doing it.

Speaking of not right, HHH’s attempt to shill the Network would work better if he used a Sarah McLachlan approach involving Heath Slater, Zack Ryder and Justin Gabriel looking at you with sad eyes and saying it will take $9.99 a month to keep them off the streets from being fired due to “budget cuts.  Reigns wins after a long sort of just-kinda-there match where Kane can’t get up after a Superman Punch followed by a Spear.

Anyone ever wonder if one day DC comics is going to sue WWE over “Superman Punch?”  After this we get a long promotional video about Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena.  This might be important to those who’ve never seen the two fight before or have no idea who Brock Lesnar or John Cena are. For me it’s just filler.  The best part is a part where Lesnar says at the end he will leave Cena in his own blood, urine, and vomit.  If that doesn’t become a parody of Cena’s shirt, the world has screwed up badly.

Mark Henry in a TEXAS shirt is taking on Damien Sandow in a SOONERS shirt. I. Don’t. Care.  Sandow dies.

Adam Rose turns into a commercial for Oculus.  I care even less.

Adam sees himself as a “lemon” in the mirror and is terrified.  I was hoping he’d have seen Leo Kruger.

Here is Dean Ambrose, the lunatic fringe, our modern-day loose cannon, and of course, The Tittymaster.  I really wish that the Tittymaster was an official moniker they referred to him as.  As he comes out for a match with Del Rio commercials inform us it is Hulk Hogan’s 1,072nd birthday next week and he will be at RAW.

I hope that they invite John Graziano as one of the “special surprise guests” they are touting.  Pretty sure the surprise guests aren’t surprising at all and will simply be Jimmy Hart and Brutus Beefcake.  We know Warrior and Savage won’t be there.  I immediately remember Sting is still alive. But then I also remember Ethan Carter III in TNA beat him, which is probably the most important part of this entire thing.

Ambrose and Del Rio ticks on very slowly and Ambrose is not even close to making a good beat-the-clock time, but that does not matter.  I’m pretty sure Rollins will LOSE the match against RVD later meaning Ambrose gets to call the stipulation anyway, and since Ambrose is a psycho he’ll probably run out and hit Rob Van Dam just so that Rollins loses by disqualification on top of it.  One can hope, because the reaction would be pretty funny, at least I think.

After a long match in which Ambrose got beaten down and worn out, he wins at 15:42 which gives Seth Rollins plenty of time to be victorious.

After a Stephanie vs. Brie video segment, it’s time for some Putin.JPG.  While WWE hits us with excessive commercials, Sin Cara was murdered by Rusev so the match is over so that WWE can tell us we’re all assholes for not using the WWE App.

WE DO GET PUTIN.JPG THOUGH.  Lana mocks “Boorock Obama” by singing Happy Birthday in Russian.  Zeb Colter and Jack Swagger interrupt this. Zeb Colter says Lana is the reason Russian men drink Vodka because they’re tired of hearing her talk.  Zeb Colter then tells us he is tired of hearing BLADDYMIR POOTIN and MOTHER RUSSIA and RUSEV CRUSH.

Rusev’s response to Zeb putting over real Americans and the troops is to beat up Jack Swagger with the Russian Flag and corner Zeb Colter.  They decide against crushing him but the message is loud and clear.  Good hype for their match at Summerslam.

Cesaro vs. Dolph Ziggler is next.  Cesaro’s star is falling.  What happened?  Did he catch Stephanie taking a dump?  The Miz is doing guest commentary while I find myself not caring.  I see three careers in limbo right now and am questioning all of my life decisions.  Cesaro gets dropped with the Zig Zag.

Here is Miz dressed like a douchebag, which means he is dressed like the Miz.  After Ziggler scares him away, we get Paige.

You know why I like Paige?  IF YOU GUESSED IT’S BECAUSE THE MEAT IS STILL FRESH YOU GUESSED CORRECTLY.  Paige can get it.  What is “it,” you ask?  MY DICK.  Paige mocks AJ a little and takes off.  I love her.

We’re told Goldust & Stardust will finally stop having weird creepy promos twice a week to actually wrestle.  We also get a commercial for the upcoming Paul Heyman DVD which looks rather interesting.  That comes out tomorrow.

Goldust & Stardust are very good at being creepy and at rapey.  They beat Rybaxel, whom nobody cares about.

Kane removes his weave. He must have realized it’s one of about fifty reasons I felt his act has become stupid in its current form – or it’s because See No Evil 2 is coming out soon.  We come back and Chris Jericho is fighting Luke Harper.

The way this works is if Harper loses, he is banned from ringside at Summerslam.  Erick Rowan has already been banished from ringside so if Jericho can beat Harper, he gets to face Bray Wyatt one on one without a threat of interference.  Harper loses once Rowan and Bray Wyatt himself interfere but Chris Jericho gets assaulted after the match by Wyatt.

The damage is done, follow the buzzards, and all that good stuff.  Still I’m intrigued by Jericho-Wyatt II.  It should be interesting.

Diego now has El Torito, Layla, AND Summer Rae as he gets ready to squash Fandango again.  This lil' nigga lost himself a Fernando and got himself a squad like a true Hispanic asshole.

Fandango introduces his new dance partner, Hornswoggle.  Fandango has went from nailing Summer Rae and Layla to nailing a bald midget.  Even *I* am not that sexually desperate.  I really hope this is temporary as Horndango is terrifying. Diego wins very quickly after immediate miscommunication.

Layla and Summer confiscate Horndango and he is assimilated into “TeamFuckJohnnyCurtis2014.” This is probably going to keep going until half the roster hates Fandango.

Randy Orton is interviewed by Renee Young backstage and she wants to discuss Kane but he basically says nobody gives a shit about Kane and rolls footage of him beating Reigns up last week in a vicious assault.





Bo Dallas is taking on R-Truth who beat him last week on RAW then beat him by disqualification on Smackdown meaning Bo now has 2 losses.  This is a great injustice and I believe Bo should have them legally expunged from his record.    Bo wins by pulling the tights during a roll-up in a very cheap victory.  His loss is avenged!  IT IS INSPIRATIONAL, MAGGLE.

We go from one Rotunda to the other, and a creepy Bray Wyatt promo as Bray tells us he is NEVER alone because HER HAND GUIDES ME.  Bray is awesome in a “creepy homeless guy that harasses you for money” sort of way. After Bray is done talking we get our Rob Van Dam vs. Seth Rollins match.

There’s less time on RAW than the time which it would take for Rollins to beat the clock so I’m almost banking on some shenanigans here.  As soon as RVD hits the ring, the opponent is changed to Heath Slater the 1 Man 3 Man Band.

WE’RE A THREE MAN BAAAAANNNDDD!  The other two members are now Heath’s left nut and right nut, respectively.  Ambrose makes it out here and begins distracting Rollins by messing with his Money in the Bank briefcase and contract.

Ambrose begins shredding the contract and Rollins has his back turned to Slater.  Slater manages to drop Rollins and almost get the victory.  Rollins keeps turning his back to the action and continuing to watch Ambrose.

Dean Ambrose is now the Marlboro man.  Ambrose pours soda, popcorn and JBL’s hat into the briefcase while continuing to mock Rollins who gets rolled up and pinned by Slater. Ambrose gets to choose the stipulation, and we get to sit here and mourn the loss of the 3MB as their music plays.

The main event of RAW is a contract signing between Brie and Steph.  That sounds like the worst thing ever.

I try not to yawn during this contract signing.  But it's a lost cause.  Bellas in main events are brutal.  I’ve heard better acting in pornography than what Brie is able to say on the microphone.  The sad thing is the Bellas aren’t brutally bad in the ring, they’re just brutally bad on the microphone.  Brie dedicates this to Vickie Guerrero, the Big Show, the Rhodes Family and everyone else Stephanie has abused. Sadly this leads to all the dweebs in the audience starting their lame little CM Punk chant.  She says "karma comes around."  In a perfect world this leads to Stephanie bringing Kharma back to kill the Bella twins for the time they dissed her while she was pregnant.

This ends with Stephanie slapping Nikki and Triple H pinning Brie against the table so that she has to sit and watch Stephanie pedigree Nikki…  Stephanie than bangs Brie's head against a table and gives her a pedigree as well.  I proceed to bang MY head against a desk because I had to sit through a Bella Twins promo to end this night.  Ugh.
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