Time for RAW – there was no recap last week because I felt like recapping snowed-in promos just wasn’t going to cut it. Following all the backlash from Roman Reigns’ general existence, WWE is looking to try to right some wrongs tonight and have been hyping that HHH has a big announcement tonight.
HAIL HITLER.
The Authority is out here and mocking the audience’s outrage about Reigns by using the Patriots/Seahawks Super Bowl game, the Patriots winning, and HHH even says he’s worried the NFL won’t survive the #CancelTheNFLNetwork hashtag on Twitter. I love that he’s taking the whiny audience down a notch. Crybabies.
HHH makes it sound like he’s going to do something as he shows us Rusev, Big Show, and Kane all being eliminated by Roman Reigns at the Royal Rumble. He deflects the crowd’s outrage by using their short attention spans against them and making his issue with the Rock coming to the ring and interfering.
HHH implies that Rock is no longer a WWE Superstar, just like Sting is NOT a WWE Superstar, and reminds us he is calling Sting out. He reminds us Sting will be at Fast Lane and I find myself hoping that Sting, the musician comes out at Fast Lane and does a live performance of “I’ll Be Watching You.”
YES! STING! Stephanie now adds that The Rock had no business coming to the ring, because he altered the course of the match because Rusev was still not eliminated. Stephanie begins to toy the idea of removing Roman Reigns at Wrestlemania.
Before Stephanie can do so, Roman Reigns makes a beeline to the ring from the crowd to a mixed reaction. Reigns gets up in HHH’s face and wants to know what’s up with them trying to take a shot he earned away from him. Stephanie reminds us last week that Roman Reigns is part of a legacy and mentions all of his relatives who preceded him and tries to plant the seeds that it’s The Rock’s fault this is happening – his family. Daniel Bryan’s theme hits and he makes his way to the ring to interrupt all of this to a crowd ovation.
I like Daniel Bryan a lot but the more I think about it the more sensibly I can see the hesitation to put him in the main event at Wrestlemania until they’re absolutely sure he does not re-injure himself. Bryan sides with Reigns on this and says he is sorry that they are putting him through this. He immediately plays his REMATCH card because he was never given a rematch after being stripped. Well played, WWE. HHH considers this before being interrupted by his bastard child, Seth Rollins.
Rollins and his two suited Oompa Loompas make the ring. This reminds me to remind you all that Rollins’ fanbase currently wants myself and Johnny Landin dead after we had a girl on our show who claimed to have an Instagram/Snapchat/sexting relationship with Rollins. Because we made jokes, and lewd comments, we’re now considered the most hated people on Tumblr, which is fine by me because Tumblr is for faggots.
Anyway, I don’t dislike Rollins as a wrestler and don’t know him as a person but I’ll be damned if I’m going to pass up a fun segment on Asked just because a bunch of uppity little bitches who masturbate violently to professional wrestlers who don’t know or care they exist are offended, so they can continue to post my personal information (which is likely illegal by the way), and I will continue to laugh and mock them and make them angry. Anyway, back to the action.
Rollins believes that Daniel Bryan is entirely undeserving of a shot against Brock Lesnar and adds that Brock Lesnar would eat Daniel Bryan alive and the only person he has to blame is himself for getting injured and that this is where “the big boys play.” WCW? Rollins adds that Reigns needed the Rock’s help to get the job done and he’s the only one deserving of a shot. Reigns who has gone back to being a man of few words (which by the way he is good at) threatens to knock Rollins into next week if he doesn’t shut his mouth. HHH says that the Authority will do what is “best for business” so tonight on RAW, Seth Rollins takes on Daniel Bryan and the winner takes on Reigns, and the winner of the match at Fast Lane goes to Wrestlemania to face Brock Lesnar. HHH says this is Roman’s chance to end all the booing. It’s his choice to accept this or he can be a dick and say no. This means if Reigns accepts he is putting it all on the line.
Reigns looks like a kid who just had his toys taken away for the mess his sister made. Reigns says “screw it, it’s been one vs. all the whole time” and he says he’ll fight Daniel Bryan and/or Seth Rollins if he has to. Reigns doesn’t have the time to mourn because they’re putting him in another match with the Big Show.
I decide it’s time to take a dump, and I live-tweet my dump instead of this god-awful match.
As soon as one dump is over, another one walks to the ring in Curtis Axel who was NEVER eliminated in the Royal Rumble match. He got sucker-punched by Erick Rowan and he knows he would have won the Royal Rumble.
Axel goes insane about how he would have won and points to the Wrestlemania sign and demands Brock Lesnar. Instead he gets the Lunatic Fringe Dean Ambrose.
Ambrose tosses Axel out of the ring like a sack of shit, grabs the microphone and tells him “NOW YOU’RE ELIMINATED.” That was fun. I like Ambrose and it’s a shame he’s somehow the guy in the Shield NOT getting pushed. He talks about how he took a walk in the snow last week (this happened). He tells us he takes a nice mugshot and his face would look great on that wall that has the pictures of all the WWE Champions. He says since he pinned Wade Barrett two weeks ago he is in line for an Intercontinental Title match and get his face on the wall at WWE Headquarters. I’m interested. I think Barrett and Ambrose have a decent chemistry in the ring. Give them a few weeks to work it on the microphone as well and it could be solid. Axel tries to jump Ambrose and gets dropped with the Double Arm DDT/Dirty Deeds 2.0.
WWE honors Black History Month. They show us a video about Ernie Ladd. I wonder if since it is Black History Month if it means The New Day is invincible for the remainder of the month. WWE reminds us the Network supports Black History Month too.
Goldust and Stardust are conveniently faces again and fighting the Ascension, whom the commentators are still taking a dump all over. JBL and Booker T argue for a while and I’m not sure what the hell is going on. After the match Stardust breaks character to yell at his brother out of character, potentially setting up Stardust vs. Goldust for Wrestlemania. Or will it be Cody Rhodes?
John Cena is up next to welcome back guys whom he got rehired THREE WEEKS AGO. You’re a little late, John. Good thing he doesn’t have to do shit like pick up the kids at school. Could you imagine Cena arranging a funeral? The bodies would be blackened corpses by the time the actual ceremony took place.
Stardust is seething backstage when Goldust tries to figure out what happened and calls him by his government name. Stardust tells Goldust to NEVER call him Cody. Meanwhile Cena comes out here and talks about comments Triple H made about John Cena being “the past” and adds that HHH says that because he’s got Rollins in his back pocket and he has NXT re-created in his image and that Triple H’s WWE won’t have John Cena in it if he has his way. This might be partial truth considering that HHH’s vision isn’t Vince’s vision. He says HHH is afraid to fire John Cena so that’s why he keeps him employed.
Cena clearly is not over NXT jumping him a few years ago and becoming the Nexus. You’d think Vince McMahon is going to book Cena vs. the entire NXT roster at the same time and have Cena defeat them clean. Cena brings out Ziggler, Rowan, and Ryback while mentioning and thanking Sting for the help several weeks ago. Cena says he’ll mow down Rusev too but Stephanie decides to interrupt them on the Titantron. Dolph Ziggler asks Stephanie if she’s tired of throwing obstacles at them and Steph retorts by telling Dolph Sting and Cena are the ones fighting battles for him so tonight he gets to fight his own battle: against Bray Wyatt. She puts Erick Rowan in a match with Rusev and finally Ryback is given a match right now. Stephanie says she’s going to make Ryback choke and gag… on Luke Harper.
YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH. JBL compares Harper to the Walking Dead. He looks about as filthy as the corpses on the Walking Dead. I like Harper. I just feel like Harper and Rowan are lost in the shuffle since the Wyatt family split. What was up with that cup-of-coffee Intercontinental Title reign, too? Ryback vs. Harper is pretty decent as a battle between two “new era” big guys. Really there should be more of Ryback and Harper and less of Kane, Big Show and Mark Henry. WWE needs to establish their new wave of big men as threats. Ryback eventually gets the victory with the Shell Shock. Solid match, however.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Bray Wyatt is also tonight, but one has to wonder if they’ll start to build up the program Bray Wyatt needs for Wrestlemania. I really hope they don’t leave booking that kind of thing for the last minute. The build has to begin now for Wrestlemania with Fast Lane just being a “thing” in between.
The Usos are out here. It looks like it’s a one on one match tonight featuring Jimmy Uso vs. Cesaro.
I am glad that this means Tyson Kidd and Cesaro are getting pushed. Natalya and Tyson Kidd went on a date with Naomi and Jimmy on a double date and Tyson Kidd was not pleased. Apparently Nattie is still face despite managing a heel tag team which makes no sense really, but hey, what do I know – I’m not even going to complain because I enjoy the Kidd/Cesaro team despite the fact it’s sort of a “thrown together” thing. I feel like Cesaro and Kidd both out-rank the tag team division and should be in singles mid-card title divisions but a tag title push is better than a “no push.” Also I am glad this means the Usos are fighting a team they haven’t encountered that often. Do you think Tamina Snuka is watching the Usos with Naomi and frowning somewhere? She was their original manager and is nowhere to be found these days… This match is great and the end is incredible as Cesaro jumps up and hits a European Uppercut in the middle of Jimmy’s splash. Jey and Kidd are fighting outside. Kidd cheapshots Jey and the heels celebrate while Cesaro’s ridiculous music plays.
Miz and Mizdow prove white people can be slaves too. Miz gets angry when someone wants Sandow’s autograph and berates him for being a bad stunt double and then proceeds to fire Sandow after informing him that before the Miz he was NOTHING but a jobber. Miz says Sandow’s new job is “Personal Assistant.” In other words, Damien Sandow has just been banished to a fate worse than death: being Alex Riley.
John Cena and Erick Rowan share a touching moment backstage. Rowan thanks John Cena and says he will take on Rusev for John’s honor. This sounds like a gay fanfic waiting to happen. Bray Wyatt vs. Dolph Ziggler is up next and it is interesting the crowd is partisan, not detracting from Dolph but adding to Bray Wyatt. They really need to start setting something up for Wyatt to do; we already know Dolph and Daniel Bryan is a likely Wrestlemania program. Decent match between the two.
WHEN U NUT IN HER MOUTH AND SHE KEEP SUCKIN'
I think the best part is when Bray Wyatt makes an O-face in the middle of the match for like no reason at all. This match goes long. Not that it’s a bad match at all, just a lengthier match than we usually get on RAW. Bray hits the Sister-Abigail-Out-of-Nowhere to drop Dolph Ziggler who had almost taken him out moments earlier with the Fame-Asser.
Seth Rollins comes in here to verbally suck the Authority’s dick, which is how he manages to keep control. Rollins asks them if they would really consider letting Daniel Bryan main event Wrestlemania. They said they appeased the crowd but they have faith and confidence in Rollins to stop Bryan from going to Wrestlemania. HHH and Stephanie then mock Randy Orton and how he didn’t get it and he was a complainer and whiner (in other words “don’t be that guy.”) They are setting up the Randy Orton/Seth Rollins match for Wrestlemania.
We are reminded Paige is feuding with the Bella Twins. Brie looks good when she wears something that doesn’t make her look like a 2D videogame. Why the hell is Nikki Bella dressed like Kim Kardashian from the shitty SuperBowl T-Mobile commercial from last night? Paige is taking on Alicia. Paige beats Alicia while we suffer the misfortune of the Bella Twins speaking. After the match Alicia begins attacking Paige while the Bellas watch and taunt the Anti-Diva.
Soot.
The Bellas proceed to spray-paint Paige, which Cole refers to as “spray tan” – hey Cole, I don’t think spray tan makes you black. It’s a good thing the Bellas weren’t stupid enough to aim for Paige’s face, as I don’t think that would have gone over well during Black History Month.
The Miz and his man-servant are out here together as Miz continues to berate Sandow. Miz has a match against Sin Cara next. After a match that feels like a 10 minute long headlock, Mizdow accidentally distracts the Miz and gets him rolled up and pinned by Sin Cara. While the two argue, Bray Wyatt cuts a promo on the Titantron.
Bray Wyatt is what happens when you take candy from strangers. Bray Wyatt says he is the dragon and the Devil is real and Bray cannot wait to see him again. He asks the Devil to “find him” before we cut off. The rumor is that it will be the Undertaker. I can’t be the only person who DOESN’T want to see that. The death of the streak makes me want the Undertaker to just go ahead and dial it in, call it a night, retire, and get his much-earned-and-deserved Hall of Fame induction.
I forgot Russian Grimace vs. Sheep Man was a thing. Rusev attacks Rowan before the bell has even rung and begins kicking and kneeing him in the face.
Rusev commits Gingercide by killing Rowan with the Accolade. Does Rowan do anything other than get his ass kicked? Lana says that they have a special movie for the audience. Rusev plays a shitty movie…
…when it’s over the mechanism that lets Rusev’s Russian flag down gets jammed, infuriating Rusev who begins waving the Russian flag he brings to the ring maniacally.
Daniel Bryan and Roman Reigns look like they’re having a conversation about erectile dysfunction. Instead Daniel Bryan tells Reigns they’ll be fighting at Fast Lane. Reigns asks if that’s a threat and he says he doesn’t care which one wins. He says that he’s going through Rollins or Bryan at Fast Lane whether he or the world likes it or not and to get the hell out of his locker room. Much better promo work from Reigns here.
Rumor has it Seth Rollins underwent emergency surgery to remove Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury from his left & right ass cheeks respectively. Our Rollins/Bryan main event is up next and shaping up to be great. Plus there’s a tension surrounding the match. It’s interesting to note that they booked Rollins as being very aggressive as if he’s a threat. It goes to show how far they’ve moved him up the ladder. Big Show is also at ringside cheering on his fellow Authority member. Kane is conspicuous by his absence, but I assume he’s “dead” because Bryan beat him in the casket match. Once Bryan fires up he’s out to take out everyone including diving to the outside onto both Rollins AND J & J security. Bryan hits a massive side suplex onto Rollins from the top rope and still doesn’t put him away. The crowd is strongly behind this. Big Show looks on and slowly stalks towards the ring. Bryan begins gearing up the crowd and their YES chant sizing Rollins up for the running Knee. Rollins catches Bryan and power bombs him into the corner then kicks him in the face. Bryan kicks out at two. Hell of a fucking match thus far. Rollins is locked into the YES lock but Big Show grabs Rollins’ feet and puts them on the ropes while the referee isn’t looking. Big Show continues to help Rollins only to turn around and get speared by the Big Show. Reigns then spears Mercury. Noble is sizing Daniel Bryan up to hit him with the briefcase. The referee catches Noble which allows Reigns to Superman Punch Rollins, who gets dropped with the running knee by Daniel Bryan who gets the win. It looks like we have Daniel Bryan vs. Roman Reigns for the right to face Brock Lesnar. Interesting complexities.
We close RAW. POINT at the sign, Daniel Bryan. HHH doesn’t want to talk about it as Renee Young interviews him back stage. Michael Cole interviews Bryan who thanks the fans and vows to go to Wrestlemania one more time. Nice closer. Excellent main event with Rollins and Bryan, the right use of Roman Reigns, and a good build to Fast Lane. A lot got accomplished in that short block of time. RAW needs that more often.
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