Here we go again. I go to randomppv.info, and review whatever show comes up. One pay per view down (Unforgiven 2004, check it out here), one that I didn’t recommend. Let’s try and get a good one this time. Big bucks, no Whammys.
The pay per view I will be watching today is...
(Note: This isn’t the poster that is on the WWE Network. It has Scott Steiner on the poster, if you are looking for it.)
We are live from the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, and some blonde girl asks fans whether Goldberg can beat both members of Kronik. I LOVE THIS ALREADY We get a spooky pre-show promo before pyro welcomes us to the show. Our announce team is Tony Schiovane, Mark Madden, and... Stevie Ray? When was this a thing? I’m so confused. FIRST MATCH
Match Number One: World Tag Team Championships: The Boogie Knights (Alex Wright & Disco Inferno) vs. The Filthy Animals (Billy Kidman & Rey Mysterio) vs. The Natural Born Thrillers (Mark Jindrak & Sean O’Haire) (Champs)
-Triple threat rules, and each team will have one member in the ring. This is gonna be a bitch to try and call.
-Rey Mysterio is wearing devil horns and tiger-print pants. He has completely given up.
-Disco and Rey have a sequence. SO MUCH ANIMAL PRINT.
-So many spots in this match, and none of them are really important.
-There are 4 people on commentary, and 6 in the ring. This is just sensory overload.
-Jindrak and O’Haire just lifted Billy Kidman into the ring from the floor. Very impressive.
-Even the announcers are confused.
-Disco just hit a Stone Cold Stunner, Alex Wright is hitting Rey with a chair, and someone just got a pin. The hell is happening?
Winners: Jindrak and O’Haire after O’Haire hits a Swanton Bomb on Disco Inferno. - I have a headache. Some good spots, but everyone was all over the place, and there was just too much happening.
-Sergeant AWOL from the Misfits in Action comes out for the save, and Konnan hurt his back somehow.
-Now, AWOL is getting a table out. SOMEONE EXPLAIN ANYTHING THAT IS HAPPENING.
Match Number Two: World Hardcore Title: Sergeant AWOL vs. Reno (Champion)
-The match started 30 seconds ago, and AWOL has already gone through a table.
-AWOL takes a trash can, and kicks it, but the kick is so high that you can clearly see the kick was nowhere near him.
-Reno has this awful rat tail haircut.
-This is your standard crappy hardcore match, with two guys who looks like indy geeks.
-Backdrop through 2 tables off the stage. So of course AWOL doesn’t even try to pin him.
-They go backstage, because you obviously don’t want to finish this match in front of the live crowd.
-They just came back to the ring. Okay.
-The match just ends.
Winner: Reno after he hits Rolling The Dice on AWOL. - It was two big guys throwing each other through stuff for what felt like 10 minutes. I really want to move on.
-Now, Shawn Stasiak and Chuck Palumbo are attacking AWOL. Why? Am I missing something? Can WCW just not afford to wait 2 minutes and let something settle?
-Chavo Guerrero and Hugh Morrus come out to save AWOL. I need a nap.
-Earlier tonight, Shane Douglas talks to the Natural Born Thrillers, which is Jindrak, O’Haire, Palumbo, Stasiak, and Mike Sanders. He says that Kevin Nash is impressed or something.
-To the announcers, and they talk about Goldberg possibly having a concussion, and missing his match tonight.
-We see Kronik (Get it? It’s a weed joke. So funny.) backstage. One of them tells a doctor that he shouldn’t clear Goldberg for competition tonight. I love how the guys with the 2-on-1 advantage still have to try and weasel out of the match. Wouldn’t Goldberg look better if he just came out, overcame the pain and the odds, and won? Well what do I know, I’m just a dumb fan.
-Now, Palumbo and Stasiak are coming out. Why didn’t they just stay in the ring if their match was next?
-Now, Chavo and Hugh Morrus are out, and I am still confused.
Match Number Three: The Perfect Event (Chuck Palumbo and Shawn Stasiak) vs. Misfits in Action (Lt. Loco (Chavo) and General Hugh G. Rection (Hugh Morrus))
-In all seriousness, I would rather watch 50 Stevie Richards-in-drag matches than one Hugh G. Rection match.
-Oh wait, that’s not Hugh Morrus. That’s Lash Leroux. It really doesn’t matter.
-I’m pretty sure Chuck Palumbo is dead, so I won’t say anything too bad about him.
-I’m pretty sure Lash has no clue of what spots to do, because Chavo keeps looking at him, waiting.
-Palumbo kicks Shawn, and Chavo ends it.
Winners: Misfits In Action after Chavo hits a swinging DDT on Stasiak. - I didn’t know who one of the guys in the match was until halfway through. This is a mess.
-Not 5 seconds later, a doctor is telling Konnan that he shouldn’t wrestle with his phantom back injury. Konnan says he’s going, since his friends Billy and Rey just wrestled.
Match Number Four: Intergender Match: “Franchise” Shane Douglas and Torrie Wilson vs. Tygress and Konnan (?)
-Shane Douglas has depressing organ music, and this sounds like the soundtrack to this show.
-Torrie is dressed like Superwoman. I guess that’s a plus.
-I don't know why, but I'm remembering the storyline where Shane and Torrie tried to make a sex tape, but Shane couldn't get it up. It led to a Viagra on a pole match. I swear I'm not kidding.
-Tygress comes out alone, and kicks Franchise in the balls.
-What the hell are Tygress and Torrie doing? It sure as hell isn’t wrestling.
-Tygress went for an armdrag on Torrie, and she just fell over.
-Tygress is “kicking” Torrie. Imagine a kid lightly kicking a sandcastle over, and you’ve got Tygress’s kicks.
-Konnan eventually comes out.
-Tygress and Torrie are not trained wrestlers. Why are they doing most of the work?
-Douglas looks like a moron selling Tygress’s offense.
-For the third of four matches, everybody is just in the ring, no tags. This is ridiculous.
-Again, the match just ends.
Winners: Tygress and Konnan after they hit a double facebuster on Douglas. - This was bad. I don’t really know how else to say it without people accusing me of being misogynistic, but Torrie and Tygress had no business in the ring.
-Mean Gene is backstage with David Flair. How many of Flair’s kids did we have to go through before we got a good one? Anyway, Gene asks David about the “DNA” match with Buff Bagwell later? What is a DNA match? David calls Buff a “gigolo piece-of-crap.” 15 years later, and Buff is a gigolo now. If David could see the future, I wonder why he ever started in wrestling to begin with? Flair says that he will have DNA evidence that Buff is the father of Stacy Keibler’s baby. All of this is going over my head right now. And since no one explains anything, here’s the match!
Match Number Five: DNA First Blood Match: Buff Bagwell vs. David Flair
-Sign in the crowd: “Buff Cock Blocker”
-David Flair is coming out in jeans and a Nitro t-shirt. Ric Flair is spinning in his grave so quickly, he spun the Earth around like Superman, came back to life, and never even noticed that he was dead.
-Seriously though, if you don’t want to be thought of as a loser, don’t come out in the Tommy Dreamer starter kit.
-So if Buff loses, he has to do a blood test to see if he is the father of Stacy Keibler’s baby.
-God, even his Flair flops are embarrassing.
-Buff making a knocked out David do the Buff poses was pretty funny.
-Buff hits David with a chair, and dances while David cuts himself.
Winner: Buff Bagwell after he hits Flair with the Buff Blockbuster and makes him bleed. - When Buff Bagwell is the highlight of the match, that’s not a good sign.
-Lex Luger comes out and hugs Buff, before *SWERVE* he turns on him. He beats up Buff, Buff bleeds, and David gets a blood sample from Buff. It’s like a conveyor belt of bad wrestling.
-Backstage, David gives the blood sample to two whitecoats, and Goldberg arrives. Nice to know Bill is late for work.
-Somewhere else backstage, a blonde interviews Scott Steiner. He runs down Goldberg, and he’s gonna teach Booker T (his opponent tonight) that size does matter. I love Scott Steiner. His interviews legitimately make my day.
Match Number Six: Kickboxing Match - Winner Becomes WCW Commissioner - Ernest “The Cat” Miller w/ Ms. Jones vs. “Above Average” Mike Sanders w/ Chuck Palumbo and Shawn Stasiak
-Mike Sanders uses a bunch of boxing terms, and eventually says he’s gonna kick The Cat’s ass.
-Oh god, it’s one of these worked fights. Three two-minute rounds, and the match can only be won by knockout.
-It’s the middle of round 2, and Sanders has been on his back for most of it.
-Stasiak and Palumbo are fighting with each other. Shane Douglas just came out for no reason.
-Stevie Ray has summed this entire show up well: “This is getting ugly, Tony.”
-I will bet money that I know how this match ends.
-Nope, I was wrong. I thought Sanders was gonna win on points or something. Instead, Douglas hits Cat with a chain.
-Nope, Cat gets up at 9. He knocks out Sanders with a kick, and goes after Douglas on the outside. But...
Winner: Mike Sanders after The Cat gets counted out. - Nice of the announcers to let us know that you could lose by countout as the countout was happening. It could have been worse. It helps that the crowd was into it.
-Backstage, the doctors check with Goldberg. He tells the doctors that they won’t stop him from wrestling.
-Elsewhere, Mean Gene tells Kronik that they may not have to fight tonight. Kronik talks and I have a nice nap. They say that if Goldberg can’t compete tonight, he forfeits, his (other) winning streak is over, as well as his career.
-”That 70’s Guy” Mike Awesome! I actually said, “For f*ck’s sake.”
Match Number Seven: “That 70’s Guy” Mike Awesome vs. Vampiro
-Vampiro has a sword, and awesome music.
-Apparently, Mike Awesome is getting a WCW World Title match on tomorrow’s Nitro. Vampiro wants to win the title shot if he beats Awesome. Mike accepts.
Match Number Seven: Number One Contender’s Match - “That 70’s Guy” Mike Awesome vs. Vampiro
-I’m pretty sure that every match has had a stipulation tonight. I’m not going back to check.
-I’m watching a guy obsessed with the 70’s wrestle a Juggalo vampire to see who gets a World Title shot. When you think about it, wrestling is dumb.
-Mike Awesome just did the Undertaker dive to the outside! Stupid gimmick aside, Awesome can go.
-Awesome’s hair is wonderful.
-They are in the crowd now, and I’m pretty sure they should have been counted out a minute ago.
-A fan threw a few punches at Awesome, and both guys broke character to kick his ass. Highlight of the show.
-Vampiro jumped off of the announce table to hit Awesome. Stevie Ray: “That son of a bitch stepped on my hand!” I don’t know if that’s better or worse than CM Punk saying, “He spilled my diet soda.”
-Both guys do the stupid chair sword fight. Vampiro does an absolutely awful Van Daminator (the one where RVD throws a chair at somebody, then kicks it). I don’t even think he hit the chair.
-When was this made no DQ?
-Vampiro hit Awesome with a belly-to-belly suplex off the top.
-These two are blown up already. This is getting sloppy.
-Ugh, Vampiro went for something off the top, Awesome was supposed to powerbomb him, and they both just fell over. Take it home, boys.
-Awesome gets a table out. Why isn’t the ref doing anything?
-Vampiro looks for something under the ring, looks under all 4 sides, and can’t find anything. God, this is bad.
-Awesome hits a sit-out powerbomb on the outside, and the ref counts. When was this Falls Count Anywhere? This is a g*ddamn mess.
-Both men go to the top rope, Awesome hits a low blow (right in front of the ref).
-HOLY SH*T.
Winner: Mike Awesome after he hits Vampiro with an Awesome Bomb off the top rope. - The finish was cool, but this match was a mess. Both guys were blown up within 3 minutes. No one knew the rules either. If someone told me this was a No DQ, Falls Count Anywhere match, I’d have been fine with it. Instead, the ref looks like a complete stooge.
-Backstage, the actual General Hugh G. Rection is with Mean Gene and the rest of the Misfits in Action. He shouts about being back from something, and says he’ll win the US Title.
Match Number Eight: WCW United States Title Match - Handicap Match - Winner Earns The Managerial Services of Major Gunns - General Hugh G. Rection vs. “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan and Lance Storm (Champion) w/ Major Gunns
-Two straight shows, two straight Canadians That Hate America gimmicks.
-This is the third time I’ve heard the MIA’s music, and I can say for sure that it is f*cking terrible.
-Yes, Jim Duggan was a part of Team Canada.
He looked older here than he does now.
-Lance Storm is good, but I don’t know if he’s good enough to cover for both General Rection and Jim Duggan.
-I have taken more notes before the match than I have during the match.
-Awful ref bump. Lance Storm just backs up into him, and he dies.
-EVEN WORSE REF BUMP. Duggan hits a piledriver, Rection kicks out, and Duggan just rolls on top of him.
Winner: General Rection wins the title after he hits Duggan with the No Laughing Matter moonsault. - Bad match. On the bright side, at least there wasn’t a dumb swerve, and the crowd got a happy moment out of it.
-Backstage, Jeff Jarrett calls the interviewer a “blonde slapnuts.” He says we’re gonna see the metamorphosis of Sting from a nobody, to a has-been, to a never-was. Logic holes aside, decent promo.
-Promo for the next match, and apparently Jarrett has been dressing up like old-school Sting. That is something I wish I could see.
Match Number Nine: “The Chosen One” Jeff Jarrett vs. Sting
-I wish WWE would pay for the actual songs they used. Jarrett used a Jimmy Hart-ripoff of Kid Rock’s “Cowboy”, while Sting used a live version of Metallica’s “Seek and Destroy.”
-Even with the poorly dubbed music, Sting’s entrance looks very cool. Makes him look like a true superstar.
-Oh god, another guy dressed as Surfer Sting is on the ramp. Luckily, Sting quickly disposes of him
-Fun fact: this match happened again at TNA Bound For Glory. In 2007.
-Another fake Sting comes out from the crowd. This is getting funny. Apparently, these Stings are dressed like he was during the highlights of his career. The first Sting was from the first Halloween Havoc. This second Sting is from when he first won the WCW Title. Good on Tony Schiavone for explaining this.
-Sting gets rid of the second fake Sting.
-Out next, Wolfpac Sting comes out with the awesome NWO Wolfpac music. This is great.
-Sting gets rid of him, but Jarrett beats him up with a bat.
-Sting gets Jarrett in the Scorpion Deathlock, but another Fake Sting pops up through the ring and drags Sting under the ring.
-Sting comes back out with a bloody Fake Sting, and gets rid of him. He goes for the Death Drop on Jarrett, but the lights go out.
-ANOTHER FAKE STING! He drops down from the rafters, and Sting beats him up too. This is hilarious. The Real Sting puts this Sting through the announce table.
-Sting goes for the Deathlock on Jarrett again, but the bloody Fake Sting hits him with a guitar. Sting no-sells and Death Drops him. But Jarrett has a guitar himself.
-The ref is counting with guitar debris everywhere. This match >>>>>
Winner: Jeff Jarrett after he hits Sting with a guitar. - This match was f*cking hilarious. It took Jarrett five or six Fake Stings, and two guitar shots to win. I don’t even know what to say. That may be my favorite match of all time.
-Backstage, WCW World Champion Booker T tells Scott Steiner that he deserves to get his ass whooped. He says he will defend his title now so that Goldberg has more time to get cleared. He ends it by telling Steiner, “Booyah! And I’m fixin’ to get with ya!” Yep, it’s 2000.
Match Number Ten: WCW World Heavyweight Championship Match: Scott Steiner w/ Midajah vs. Booker T (Champion)
-WCW might still be in business if they didn’t have Michael Buffer on the payroll.
-Steiner is beating up some stagehand because he isn’t in the main event. Scott Steiner is the absolute best.
-The gimmick is that Steiner has gone insane. I think Steiner has been insane since the day he was born.
-Steiner puts Booker through the replacement announce table. The Spanish announce table is smiling right now.
-Steiner keeps screaming stuff and threatening the ref. This man is money.
-Samoan drop from the top rope, followed by pushups from Steiner.
-I’m actually enjoying this match. What a novel concept.
-These two work very well together.
-Steiner hits Booker with a pipe, and puts the ref in the tree of woe.
-He puts Booker in the Steiner Recliner, another ref comes in, but Steiner suplexes him. Aw, damn.
Winner: Booker T retains by disqualification after Steiner hits two referees. - This was a really good match. Booker was really good, and Steiner is in his element as a complete madman.
-Steiner DESTROYS a third ref and a bunch of security with his pipe. He hits Booker with a chair, but Stevie Ray and Jeff Jarrett back him off.
-Kronik and Goldberg video package. It makes all three men look like killers.
-One of the Kronik guys says that Goldberg isn’t clear, so they win by forfeit.
-The doctors tell security that Goldberg is clear, so here we go. It’s time for the MAIN EVENT!
Match Number Eleven: Handicap Match - If Goldberg loses, he must retire - Kronik (Brian Adams and Bryan Clark) vs. Goldberg
-Kronik get a table, and try to put him through it with a double chokeslam, but Goldberg fights them off and puts Clark through the table with a spear. He pins Clark, but apparently it’s an elimination match.
-Well, that was quick.
Winner: Goldberg after he hits Adams with a Jackhammer. - I... don’t really know how else to describe that. Considering the show went off the air about 30 seconds after the match ended, I’m guessing that some time got cut from the match. It’s still fun to watch a Goldberg squash match, though.
The last three matches on this show were fantastic in their own way. However, the rest of this show was a complete mess. Nothing was set up for the fans, everything was confusing, and nothing really made sense. If you do want to watch this show, skip to Jarrett vs. Sting and enjoy. But as a whole, Suit DOES NOT Recommend.
If you like my brand of humor, you can see a lot more of it on Twitter. You can follow me @SuitWilliams on there. Take care, and I’ll see you next time.
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