We found out on the studio-bound post-Royal Rumble episode of RAW that Fast Lane will feature the first ever (televised) match between John Cena and Rusev. It was unexpected. Despite the two men having a bit of a shout at one another the previous evening on the Rumble fallout show nobody had expected their match to occur until WrestleMania 31. Because a man with a year-long unpinned and unsubmitted streak seemed like the perfect person to throw up against the mighty Cena at the biggest WWE event of the year.

The decision to bring the match forward to Fast Lane is probably designed to make that show seem more worthwhile, encouraging Network subscriptions and pay-per-view purchases. To a lesser extent it might be about making the first edition of what is likely to become an annual event memorable. And it should work. Cena v Rusev is a WrestleMania-level match, a big addition to a B level card.

Fast Lane's a definite for Rusev and Cena. I'll think they'll go to 'Mania too.

 

For most people extreme snowstorms are life-threatening ordeals. I imagine WWE management felt differently on Monday night. The severe weather that hit the north-eastern United States caused the governor of Connecticut to announce a travel ban, effectively cancelling RAW. That effectively granted WWE a reprieve, something they were much in need of after the hostile evening they’d experienced at Royal Rumble the night before.

They made the most of the opportunity, doing some expert damage control on the standing of Rumble victor Roman Reigns. The show was constructed around five sit-down interview segments and a couple of announcements for Fast Lane. They were interspersed with links from Michael Cole, JBL and Booker T. It was a smart approach that made the most of what the company had at its disposal. If only that were true of their booking approach in general.

Slightly more questionably the decision was also made to air the two biggest matches from the previous night’s Rumble. That means that people tuning into RAW were treated to the triple threat WWE championship match and the Rumble itself for free. Monday saw WWE finally hit their goal of one million subscribers for the WWE Network so I’m sure they’re pleased with the decision to air those matches. The likelihood is that they convinced a number of people that the Network was worth a look. But it wasn’t the greatest idea with regard to customer satisfaction: everyone else had had to pay $9.99 for the event. Or £9.99 if in Britain. Or a staggering $54.99 to watch on regular pay-per-view. I’m sure refund requests have been sailing WWE’s way since Monday night.

The state of your briefcase, mate.

The first of the interviews was with Seth Rollins. He told Michael Cole that he thought his Rumble performance spoke for itself. He felt he deserved to be in match and that he did everything he could to win and become champion. I agree with him. Rollins did deserve to be in the match and he made the most of the opportunity. He took the pinfall but that didn’t matter. ‘The Future’ left the show looking like he belonged at the top.

I typically don’t write articles about wrestling other than my weekly recaps because I don’t want to fill this site with wrestling overkill, which is what would happen if I hosted too many recaps: the wrestling articles would bury the times I write about pretty much anything else.  However, I decided to make an exception due to the lack of a live, ongoing Monday Night RAW for January 26th (snow storms in the northeast have caused RAW to be postponed until Thursday and Smackdown to be canceled for the week), to discuss last night’s Royal Rumble Pay-Per-View because the events that transpired were so out there that they actually got mainstream media coverage.

Last night, Roman Reigns won the 30-Man Royal Rumble match to put him in the main event at Wrestlemania 31 against WWE World Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar, but fans were not pleased with the outcome.  They booed, they raged, they blocked arena exits, they protested, and even canceled their monthly subscriptions to the WWE Network.  One year ago, Batista suffered the same reaction for winning the Royal Rumble, and oddly enough the fans were begging Roman Reigns to eliminate Batista and go on to the Royal Rumble.  At the time Reigns was one of the three members of The Shield, a faction consisting of Reigns, Dean Ambrose, and Seth Rollins.
So why is it that now that the Shield has disbanded people despise Reigns?  He still has the same moves, same entrance, and same ring gear.  He’s essentially the only guy who hasn’t actually moved on.  He looks like a man in denial the Shield is done.  Why is it that a year later, the fans want this guy’s head?  Is Reigns really that awful? Let’s look at then, now, and the future and figure out what’s what.

For the last few years WWE has struggled with its Royal Rumble shows. The titular gimmick match, which is always the central attraction no matter what else is on the show, has seemingly become a problem for them. In theory it’s an easy match to get right. You ascertain who the audience wants to see win and you have them win. Or you pick a hot heel that people really don’t want to see win. WWE’s booking crew seem to have forgotten this, which has led to a string of limp, uninspiring matches.

This year was no different. A man neither the live crowd nor the home audience really wanted to see win was the man that won. Not only that but he did so in the most underwhelming, clichéd manner possible. It was a poor end to a poor pay-per-view.

This was not helped by a generic undercard. The show kicked off with The Ascension versus the New Age Outlaws. It wasn’t a bad match, but that in itself made it a slight disappointment. The Outlaws should have been very quickly squashed by Konor and Viktor in an attempt to erase the memory of the Kliq and the APA, all of whom are well into their forties, easily dispatching The Ascension on RAW. Because it’s The Ascension who are going to be of more benefit to WWE in the future, not the stars form the 90s.

FACEPAINT!!!

But we didn’t get that. Instead we got a competent match that ended with Billy Gunn tagging in to take Total Elimina- sorry, I mean The Fall of Man. It was the right result but the wrong route was taken to get to it.

I would apologize for this NXT recap being later than normal, but that goes against my “never apologize for anything” policy.  Besides, I have a life. And it’s hard to find the time to watch wrestling often when you have one.  That’s not me being a dick or insulting any of you out there who live, breathe, eat, and sleep wrestling. It’s just true that if you’re out in the world with lots of bills and lots of responsibilities you seldom have the time to dedicate to projects.  Of course, you can throw me a few bucks via PayPal to help outjasonrivera@gmail.com – I’d much rather have less of a life to have more time to write about NXT.

…not really; I’d probably just masturbate a lot and play World of Warcraft (not at the same time, at least not until the new Blood Elf Female models are released).

I’m a sick man.  Anyway, it’s time to do the NXT thing that I do.  We’re shown highlights of NXT Takeover where Charlotte became the NXT Women’s Champion.  Ever since Charlotte won it she’s actually had to look more and more like a woman every day in order for WWE to not be sued for false advertising.  Tonight, Charlotte’s former BFF, Summer Rae challenges for the NXT Women’s Championship.  Summer Rae has also been successful, after filming the Marine 4, Total Divas, and dumping Poor Person’s Layla (Sasha Banks) for ACTUAL Layla.  I’m not sure who I’m supposed to cheer for here.  Is Summer Rae a face?  Is Charlotte a face?  And who gains custody of Sasha Banks?

Charlotte went from making my dick hide like a scared turtle to giving me a semi.

We’ll find out tonight!  The NXT Intro airs.  Up next we are introduced to the By Default Tag Team Champions, the Ascension.

Jobbers haven't been this traumatized since Ryback's career began.

I feel like the Ascension’s 295 day title reign is less impactful when you realize they mostly fight jobbers, and that the last two credible teams they fought were Kalisto & El Local, and before that Too Cool.  To their credit it’s not their fault that NXT has had no tag teams for the majority of their reign but now that there are actual teams to face it will be interesting to see how much longer the “dominant reign” continues.

Bill DeMott paid the local Taco Bell in "developmental contracts" again.

See?  This is what I’m talking about. They dug up a poor man’s TNA Bram (which is funny since Bram was formerly a part of the Ascension), and some random deflated Puerto Rican who looks like Los Matadores found him swimming at the bottom of their toilet one day and got the guy hooked up with an NXT tryout.  Fighting teams like this don’t make the Ascension impressive.  It just makes them bullies and we all know how the WWE feels about bullying:

Even the commentators refer to these guys as “Two Local Competitors.”  The one thing I get from these crappy matches is that the Ascension works very well as a team and they definitely have a good presence.  Konnor has been in developmental for damn near a decade on and off and so it’s about time they found the right fit for him.  Viktor is the last student of the Dungeon, and so it goes without saying he deserves a spot.  Ascension wipes their asses with these nobodies (who were NEVER given actual names by the NXT commentary team), and we move onto new business.

You know if Tyler Breeze doesn’t make it with this whole “being a wrestler” thing at least he can be an effective janitor with those two mops attached to his boots. 

Breeze apparently injured his fingers which leads me to believe Audrey Marie has teeth inside of her vagina.  Still he’s here tonight because the alternative to walking around like that is losing the momentum he has gained since he is the current number 1 contender for the NXT championship.  Renee Young claims the injury was caused by hand-modelling which is a dangerous career. 

As much as I joke about Tyler Breeze he may simultaneously have one of the greatest and one of the gayest gimmicks of all time being a bootleg version of Zoolander/Hansel.  And as many jokes as I make he gets to have his nose in Audrey’s butthole so I can’t hate on his game, I have to respect it.  Breeze is taking on the Absolute Worst Person on NXT, Mojo Rawley.

Much like Meth, Mojo Rawley: NOT. EVEN. ONCE.

Seriously, when your only gimmick is “I’m on PCP but we call it HYPE,” it just doesn’t work for me.  Maybe if they were in a less PG era where they could legitimately make Mojo Rawley’s gimmick a guy who does way too much blow, this would be okay, but the “hype” thing just gets boring fast, as does the fact he’s simply annoying. 

I would rather watch somebody wrestle Mojo, the fat yellow blob from the X-Men comics than wrestle Mojo Rawley.  Rawley yells “OH YEAH, LET’S DO THIS!” and Tyler Breeze seems hesitant to lock up with him, claiming he is injured and shouldn’t have to do this.  Renee claims that Breeze’s injury is a hangnail as the two lock up.  Immediately Breeze his the Beauty Shot out of nowhere and takes Rawley out.  I hope the next time we see Mojo it’s in the unemployment line as he is released from contract.  I’m glad the “HYPE” NXT management had for this guy ran out.  He’s crap.  He’s more than crap, he’s horrible taco shits that burn your asshole and have a slight bit of blood in them.  He should change his Twittername to @NXTDiarrhea.

Once the NXT arena has been hosed down, deodorized and disinfected of the stench that is Mojo Rawley, we get our NXT Women’s Championship match between Charlotte and Summer Rae.

Alex Riley says that Summer gives you the feeling if she wants something she’s going to take it. Renee Young adds that Summer “takes it without any prisoners.”  I equate this to meaning Summer Rae takes a lot of penis. 

Charlotte has to have underwent some kind of surgery, like maybe a full sexual reassignment to go from looking like a creepy over-flexible transvestite at the start of her NXT career to an actual woman. She looks great coming, but not so much going because for some reason the only ass she’s got is the same ass her father has. Charlotte is in firm control in the early going, out-wrestling Summer Rae, as to be expected.  After a good long time of seeing Charlotte in firm control, Summer ends up in control, not so much with solid wrestling but strikes and kicks while yelling that she MADE Charlotte.  I believe the person who MADE Charlotte is Ric and one of his 600 ex-wives.  Unfortunately Summer locking her body around Charlotte multiple times and continuing to yell “I MADE YOU” is causing the crowd not to be into the match at all.  They’re not behind Charlotte and they are not behind Summer so they start a BORING chant, even though Summer starts returning the hurtin’ Charlotte put on her with a beautiful single leg crab.

Summer reaches for Charlotte’s head who counters by biting her.  And so the zombie apocalypse began.  The crowd still isn’t into any of this even though both women are working very solidly.  Charlotte eventually wins with her Snapmare out of nowhere to put an end to a match that the crowd really didn’t care about.

I feel like all the Vaudevillains are missing are a van and a big bag of candy….

…because here are the Trick Or Treaters.  Sin Cara is the new partner for Kalisto and I’m okay with that.  I like Sin Cara/Hunico and these two should gel really well.  Despite the fact it should be an exciting team the crowd just doesn’t seem into it.  I wonder if that means this is the 3rd or 4th set of NXT tapings for this series; the crowd gets tired and winded after a certain point. They really don’t seem to be into anything that is going on past the Ascension match in the opening stages of this program.  Sin Cara and Kalisto ultimately get a victory and the crowd wakes up slightly.

I don’t know why but thanks to all the “beating up black guys,” “Putin.JPGS” and the controversial “Malaysian Plane Crash promo,” Rusev and Lana crack me up.  This main event which nobody has bothered to discuss or advertise until right now, is up next. 

Adrian Neville, this happy little Orc fellow is just way too cheerful for someone who is going to fight Rusev the Slob. 

Why does it always feel like Putin is staring directly at Lana's ass?

You knew Putin.JPG would make an appearance.  I’m waiting for the day accidental Putin nudes show up on the Titantron.

Rusev comes out with his stupid little fictionally-awarded award that looks like a gold star rewarded to him in Kindergarten for successfully completing naptime without waking up to tell us he is the SUPER ATHLETE and fight Neville.  Rusev dominates the majority of the match until Neville starts to mount a comeback which is ruined by Tyler Breeze running interference.  Breeze watches while everyone’s favorite Bulgarian slob destroys Neville, hoping that it means Neville is taken down a notch for their upcoming match.  NXT comes to a close and now it is time to say goodbye and do other things with my life until next time!