Sigh. I was having a good day, then I remembered RAW was on. This is the
now-syndicated RAW Is RIV recap which you can find on
SpanishAnnounceTable.net and WrestlingRambles.com as well as my own
website, the home of the Asked podcast & my other various projects,
ListenToThisShow.com
Last night’s Battleground was a filler Pay-Per-View where little of
consequence happened other than the Miz becoming Intercontinental
Champion. Cena retained, and there were no real surprises, just a decent
Divas title match, a great Tag Team Title match, and DID I MENTION CENA
RETAINED? People are angry about this but you should have expected this by
now, and if you’re not multi-tasking during wrestling, you’re doing it
wrong – this way you don’t feel like your time has been wasted whether you
like the results or not.
HHH is out here, and you should have expected that too – you know, 15
minutes of TALKING to start off a WRESTLING program. HHH and his nose are
going to announce the opponent for John Cena at Summerslam. I hope
somebody new gets an opportunity. Diego of Los Matadores never gets any
chances around here. Give it to that guy. HHH says nobody will look him
in the eye. That’s because they cannot see past his nose. He is not happy
that Cena retained and he says he’s going to tweet his displeasure – and he
might even send an Instagram or a Vine. I love how he’s mocking the fans.
He says he’s going to THREATEN and he is going to RIOT. HHH says he and
his friend Mark are going to STOP WATCHING. He says he doesn’t have to fire
everybody, all he has to do is relax and wait for things to go his way as
they always do and he guarantees that at Summerslam he can guarantee Cena
won’t be a champion. Before he can tell us who it is Randy Orton comes out
here. HHH tells Orton he is the front runner but he has not made up his
mind and that the entire roster will have the chance to convince and
impress him. Orton puts the blame for him not having the title on Kane not
doing what he was told by the Authority to do last night.
 |
| It's hard to take a grown man in a ridiculous wig seriously. |
The Devil’s Favorite Demon, LaQuisha’s favorite Weave, Kane comes out here
to try to intimidate his way to a title shot. He’s about as intimidating
at this stage in his career as a retarded child with a propeller hat and a
stick. Kane says he’s tired of babysitting. HHH really makes Kane watch
his three annoying kids? Wow, maybe he does deserve it.
Roman Reigns isn’t intimidated by the Authority and makes his way to the
ring and says if they’re going to have a conversation about the WWE World
Heavyweight Championship his name belongs in it because nobody wants to see
John Cena vs. Kane or Randy Orton again. He says what everybody wants to
see is John Cena vs. Roman Reigns and immediately Superman Punches Kane.
Orton slides away and leaves. HHH puts Roman in a match immediately with
Kane & Randy Orton. I admit I am tired of Orton and Kane both to the point
I’m sort of sleepy. My preliminary guess is Orton and Kane argue like a
couple of idiots while Reigns capitalizes for a win that Michael Cole will
tell us “SURELY MUST PUT REIGNS IN CONSIDERATION FOR THE TITLE MATCH AT
SUMMERSLAM.”
If they’re setting up for Kane vs. Randy Orton at Summerslam at least we’ll
have a bathroom break. Orton refuses to tag Kane which causes Kane to get
Superman Punched and then hit with the Spear for the victory. Orton vs.
Kane is going to be atrocious. It’s going to be like shoving an AIDS
infected barbed mace up your ass.
Bray Wyatt will be a guest on the Highlight Reel with Chris Jericho.
Okay. I’m not sure that makes their promos any better or worse, really.
Also Stephanie is putting the entire heel half of the Divas roster against
Nikki Bella to punish her for Brie Bella. Okay, this is getting pointless.
Can’t you punish her for taking it up the ass from John Cena. The
nameplate under the heel Divas should just read BITCHES when they come to
the ring.
Nikki hugs Brie who is at ringside during the match, signaling Stephanie to
come out to continue to berate and trash talk Brie for abandoning her
sister in favor of her marriage to a B Plus in Daniel Bryan. Brie responds
by telling Stephanie she is a “bitch,” and Stephanie demands security eject
this woman, however since Brie has a ticket she can’t be ejected. Brie
snatches the microphone and now she’s committed an offense that can get her
kicked out. She calls Stephanie a BITCH yet again. Steph strikes Brie,
and Brie fights back only to be escorted from the arena. Now our match
officially starts and ends as soon as the ladies jump Nikki and hold her
down for the Alicia Fox scissor kick. The heel divas then toss Nikki on
the ground like a piece of garbage. Stephanie says she won’t stop until
Nikki does what Brie did and quit. All this segment really does is serve
to remind us the Bella Twins are HORRIBLE actresses even by pornographic
standards.
While Nikki cries like a woman who just got a blue pregnancy test back
we’re reminded Flo Rida is going to be here solely to annoy the living hell
out of everyone on planet earth with an IQ over the number 60. Allegedly
there was a nipple slip on Nikki Bella and I missed it. I don’t bother to
find it because I don’t care. I mean what are you guys, 12? I’ve seen
plenty of titties and plenty of nipples in my life. Unless what I missed
is the chance for Nikki Bella to physically sit on my dick I couldn’t care
less.
It’s time to get inspirational, Michael.
Damien Sandow is out here dressed like LeBron James. What a failure. No
black-face. I’m not sure who the heel here is. Sandow acts as a heel but
everyone hates Bo except me. Sandow is squashed by the Bo-Dog and we move
on with our day. Nothing of value was lost. Nothing of value was gained
either. We’re told that while we were NOT using the WWE APP
(WhichYouMustOMGDownloadTheAppRightNow) something happened backstage.
Because we didn’t watch on OMGTHEWWEAPPDOWNLOADITORWEWILLSHOOTYOU we don’t
know why Jericho isn’t here but we do know the Wyatts did something to
him. On PLZPLZDOWNLOADTHEWWEAPP Jericho was attacked by the Wyatt Family
backstage and now we get to see it. Bray uses this time to tell us that
Y2J is not our savor but Bray Wyatt is. Wyatt and Jericho is far from
over. He says he is chasing vengeance and Abigail told him if he did that
he would dig two graves but unfortunately for Chris Jericho, Bray Wyatt is
forever.
The Miz has fully transformed into Johnny Cage from Mortal Kombat. This
means by the third game he dies, so maybe there is hope for us all. The
Miz is fighting Dolph Ziggler who THOUGHT he won the Battle Royal only to
be eliminated by the Miz who hid outside the ring. I’d care but dried
paint is about as relevant as Ziggler at this point and unlike the rest of
the Internet I don’t really care whether Ziggler is buried or not. Even
the crowd doesn’t seem to be all that into this one. Oddly enough after
being dead for a long period of time they start a THIS IS AWESOME chant
after Ziggler counters a Figure 4 and Miz kicks out of a FameAsser.
Ziggler finally wins with a Zig-Zag. BUT… this was non-title which makes
it non-point as well.
Backstage HHH is explaining to Seth Rollins he won’t get a title shot
because he is Mr. Money in the Bank and has that shot whenever he wants.
Rollins says he can’t cash in as long as Dean Ambrose is around. Cesaro
approaches backstage and says he will get the job done any time he is in a
title match and wants a match with John Cena. Cesaro officially renounces
Paul Heyman and says he wants to join The Authority which Rollins takes
offense to. A light bulb flashes in HHH’s mind and he puts Cesaro in the
ring with Dean Ambrose to take care of some unfinished business for the
Authority.
AJ and Paige are in tag action next. I’m tired of AJ. She looks burnt,
she appears to have lost weight, and just… looks like anyone CM Punk has
sex with for a long period of time – a mess. Melted. Paige, however, I
enjoy because… BECAUSE THE MEAT IS STILL FRESH!
Natalya steals the spotlight from Tyson Kidd and Emma steals iPhone cases
from Wal-Mart so this is a great team. The Frienemies wins after AJ causes
Natalya to tap out to the Octopus/Black Widow/whatever you want to call
it. Once AJ and Paige win, Paige turns on AJ and begins beating the crap
out of AJ, headbutting her repeatedly, screaming in her face and tossing
her outside to the mat. Paige screams that this is her house.
Fandango is dancing alone and probably masturbating a lot due to the sudden
lack of a female. He’s fighting Zack Ryder. The chicks come out here
with Zack Ryder which is horrible. Summer Rae and Layla hanging with Zack
is pretty petty even by revenge standards. Why don’t they just eat an
AIDS-flavored ice cream cone in front of Fandango while they are at it?
Ryder wins when Layla helps make sure Fandango’s foot on the ropes isn’t
seen by the referee. This is a horrible moment in the universe where Ryder
wins anything.
I quickly forget all about Ryder and his stupid win because Layla’s ass.
 |
| This looks like the beginning of cuckold porn. |
No. Nobody cares, Flo Rida. The only way you could be hated worse by WWE
fans is if you took Renee Young and bent her over and fucked her in front
of all the horny nerd fans that love her. Instead he shoves Heath Slater
for an altercation at Wrestlemania 28 nobody even remembers.
 |
| You're under arrest. The crime? Flo Rida and his two shitty songs. |
After Flo RIda annoys us with the only 2 songs he even has, Stephanie
McMahon is consulted by security that something is going on. Maybe
somebody tried to kill Flo Rida. A gentlemen shows Stephanie a badge. It
looks like Stephanie is under arrest – probably for making us all listen to
that horrible Flo RIda crap. That’s cruel and unusual punishment even by
McMahon family standards.
This is all a cop out to get Brie back on the roster when the McMahons have
to bargain with her to have the charges dropped. In the meantime I’ll just
suspend disbelief and make shitty jokes that Stephanie is the one who stole
the iPhone case, not Emma, and that Stephanie McMahon will be appearing on
Netflix’s Orange Is the New Black in a WWE/Netflix crossover. Brie Bella
was clearly protected by Florida’s Stand Your Ground Law.
 |
-Didn't you used to have hair?
-I don't know. DIDN'T *YOU* USED TO HAVE HAIR? |
Joey Mercury asks HHH about the decision for Summerslam but HHH tells him
family comes first and he can’t do this right now. HHH turns around and
says “she’s going to have to get processed” and “the lawyers are already
there.” Scumbag HHH and Scumbag Mercury decide not to leave until AFTER
RAW Is over.
Rybaxel are taking on Big E and Kofi Kingston in a match nobody cares about
which might be deemed “more pointless than Flo Rida.”
GREAT NEWS! RYBAXEL NOW COMES IN BLACK AND IS WRESTLING ITSELF. Yawn.
No.
RACE WAR! Whites win again!
 |
| Xavier Woods reveals that he has murdered his white master Colonel Sanders and stolen his clothing in order to free Big E and Kofi and lead them underground and northward into Canada where they will be freed. |
Xavier Woods shows up and basically implies that they all need to be taken
more seriously… …in a WHITE suit. The race war will continue. Can’t wait
for Xavier Woods, Big E and Kofi Kingston vs. George Zimmerman at
Summerslam. Well this just went from RyBlackel to the 3 Man Black.
Shouldn’t the three black guys come back out here and kill Rusev for all
the times he jobbed them out?
Lana and Rusev are almost immediately interrupted by the Great Khali so
that they don’t offend any butthurt people who dislike the Pro-Russia
promos. Also Michael Cole says Khali is a great test for Rusev – a test of
what? Didn’t this guy just get his ass kicked by Bo Dallas last week?
Khali is only a test to us… of how much we can take watching this crap
before we break.
After Rusev murders an Indian guy, Stardust is spinning in a circle holding
a blue ball and quoting Willy Wonka. That’s one of my balls from not
getting laid since Obama took office. I love Goldust and Stardust – I
don’t care what any of you say. It’s so creepy and rapey you can’t help
but love it.
Cesaro vs. Dean Ambrose starts and should be a solid match, probably a
brawl. Ambrose seems to take control in the early going, clotheslining
Cesaro to the outside and following up with a dive, tossing him against the
security wall – I like the psychotic offense. Once Cesaro sends Ambrose
shoulder-first into the ringpost, the match turns around. Great match
between two highly talented individuals. Crowd really seemed into this one
as well, which always helps. Although this match is awesome, Ambrose goes
into psychopath mode, deliberately chairshots Cesaro and begins throwing
chairs like a maniac. I love maniac Ambrose. Cesaro runs away while
Ambrose stands around with weird white shit in his mouth.
 |
| Dean Ambrose does not like the taste of semen. |
…This also happens to be how most slash fanfic involving the Shield ends.
After the commercial break our REAL main event is HHH making his decision
about the Summerslam opponent for John Cena. Randy Orton tries to come out
only for Roman Reigns to beat the crap out of him in the aisleway, making
both men disappear to the backstage area while brawling.
Paul Heyman appears and says he hates to interrupt HHH but Randy Orton
being Plan A doesn’t work with Roman Reigns around and Plan B Seth Rollins
is great but Ambrose is going to stop Plan B EVERY time and that’s why Paul
Heyman would like to present HHH with Plan C – the DANGEROUS choice.
BRRRRROOOOCCCKKK…. LESNAR!!! HE CONQUERED THE STREAK. Brock and HHH shake
hands and it might as well be official – Brock Lesnar will take on John
Cena for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. Heyman cuts one of his
epic tale promos about the John Cena fans and the “CENA SUCKS” fan and that
John Cena is in for the beating of a lifetime. Heyman says there is NO
ESCAPE in this match and that even if Cena tried to forfeit it would not
save him from the beating Brock Lesnar will give. That beautiful promo
closes that night. I just wanna see Brock kill Cena. It just sounds like
something I would want to see. It appeals to me in a bloodlust sense and I
am okay with that. So even though it’s the surprise everybody knew about,
even though the match has happened before, and even though Cena will
probably STILL overcome the odds, knowing his face is going to get turned
into hamburger meat while he does is amusing to me. However, the rest of
this show was pretty memorable and lackluster so excuse me while I do
things like shower and leave to watch Under the Dome. These three hour
tours called RAW take a lot of out of me. See you next week.
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